Every time I step away from writing - whether it's because of writers block or time - I come back and am shocked at how fast time goes by and how much of it has gone since I last posted. Which, I guess, makes this post pretty fitting.
I just turned 33 (I know, I can't believe it either. I look like I'm 21 #wrinklefree) and to be honest it's the best I have ever felt in a long time. But feeling this way came after being extremely hard on myself and possibly being at the lowest point in my life for a good chunk of 2018 and 2019.
It was the worst I had ever treated myself. I stopped taking care of myself and let the negative self talk take over absolutely every breathe, movement, blink; everything I did or said was met with me telling myself I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve happiness, and I was going to fail. It's no secret I have struggled with my own insecurities but I had never felt so disgusted about myself as I did during this time.
The worst part is that I suffered in silence.
I probably shared about 2% of how I really felt with my close friends and family but the truth is I spent many many many nights crying to myself asking God or the Universe why was I not worthy of anything good. I was not proud of who I was, I considered myself a failure, and attributed my bad luck in love to my weight, the money I had (or didn't have), to the fact that I didn't own a home or hadn't traveled to 25 countries in a year … you name it. I was basically a loser in my head.
But it wasn't until I removed my IUD earlier this year (after 2.5 years) that my mood and energy started to change. I removed it in late July or early August and I can honestly say, I have never felt better.
In my heart I knew something was wrong, I even blamed the IUD for it a couple of times, but I was ashamed to recognize that my body wasn't strong enough to handle an IUD so what did I do? I "stuck it out". I thought I'd get over it but I never did and "stuck it out" for way too long.
To make matters worst, I did speak to my doctor about it and this is what he said: "Your body will adjust. Give it time. You'll be ok" this was 1.5 years after I had gotten it.
The IUD wasn't to blame entirely but the reality was it had a major effect on my well-being and reversed a lot of the work I had already done in years past. Birth control isn't for everyone and that's ok. I'm clearly not a candidate and I've learned to accept it.
The reason why I share this is for a few reasons:
We need to listen to our bodies
We need to go to the right doctors; a doctor who will LISTEN
We have to stop beating ourselves up and advocate for ourselves
We need to realize we have control over our bodies and our mind. There are so many resources at our reach. Let's use them (had I been more informed I would've NEVER gotten an IUD)
Life is too short to not pay attention when things seem off
Time goes by too fast, let's not waste it suffering
Which brings me to the real reason why I am writing this post.
As I have started coming into my own, I have decided that the only way I want to start this next chapter of my life is by walking into 33 full of gratitude and following my heart while never losing sight of the most important thing: myself.
With that said, I am happy to announce that in March 2020 I will be launching my Podcast.
It will be a podcast inspired by my blog but focused on having conversations with others in order to gain different perspectives and share lessons & stories while being a voice for a generation dealing with dating and the frustrations that come along with it. It'll be fun, informative and (I hope), relatable.
In the meantime, I won't be writing as much but I promise about 3-5 more blog posts before launch date. I am focusing a lot of my energy and time in making this dream a reality and even if I fail, I want to be proud of myself for trying and giving it my all.
Life is a crazy ride and I am so excited to see where it takes me. I hope you come along with me too.