I was chatting with a friend from FL who's always slidin' into my DM's (you know who you are playa'). For starters this guy has been a huge fan of my blog so shout out to the 954! But we've also connected and talked quite a bit about the struggles with dating, I had an "aha!" moment as we were talking and where the inspiration for this blog post was born.
Screenshot for proof:
And it really got me thinking. In the past 15 years I have lived in three different states. Within those states I have lived in several different cities and neighborhoods. Every time I have left - although not consciously - there has always been a lingering thought of "maybe in this new neighborhood/city/state I will find The One" but the truth is: no matter how far I go or how quickly I escape, the problem or whatever I am running from will follow.
The further I've gone in trying to figure out who I am and why I have no luck, the clearer it has become that - while I have definitely gravitated towards the wrong ones- I somehow STILL go back to the same emotionally unavailable and/or unstable guys.
I've done a lot of self searching, therapy, healing and while I still have a lot more to figure out, I want to share some of my discoveries.
Why do I gravitate towards the wrong guys?
I read this somewhere and it stuck: "In a room full of people who want to love us, we find the one who isn't sure" and this cannot be truer. In my case, I subconsciously have liked the challenge and here's why: I am afraid of abandonment and rejection therefore the only way that I can experience the opposite of that is seeing someone transform and validate that I am worth sticking around for because THEY have changed vs. having someone just show up from the very start. If this doesn't make sense let me put it simply: It's a selfish and self-sabotaging method to validate my own worth. My own worth is validated by seeing someone change for me vs. simply appreciating someone who is there, front and center, waiting for me to notice them.
I live in the past when it comes to relationships. When you have lived through traumatic and toxic relationships, it takes time to not only heal but to forgive. Healing comes after forgiveness and to truly forgive takes a lot of time, understanding, empathizing and realizing that in order to not allow the past bleed into your future you have to face the reality of it and not escape it. Because I have likely not fully healed, I gravitate towards what is familiar.
I like to fix people. I let the red flags fly over my head because I always identify a reason/excuse behind poor behavior. I can empathize therefore I make excuses and stick around.
This is why distance does not matter. I can move to freakin' Timbuktu tomorrow and I can guarantee you I'd be calling my friends late at night asking "why the fuck does this keep happening to me!? Am I cursed!? Am I too fat!? Does my breathe smell!? Do I have spinach on my teeth!?"
Technology plays a big part too. Our generation (aka Millennials) are quick to change our minds and find easy solutions. Why? because everything you need is at the tip of your fingers and the options are endless. You had one bad date? Go back to swiping. The thought of even giving the other person a second chance is out the door because you have so many others to chose from.
Lately, I have been using the Oxygen Mask analogy at work quite a bit: "You NEED to love and take care of yourself first in order to be able to care for those around you" and this is so so true.
You also have to be ok with being the only 32 year old in the room who is single, has a cat and has an Instagram account for him. Totes normal! It's fine!
There's no perfect answer as to how to achieve self love and everyone is different but I'd like to share a few of my constant reminders:
Be patient with yourself
Stop running/escaping to find love. You'll end up looking in all the wrong places no matter where you are.
Give yourself some grace and don't beat yourself up
Take yourself on a date (or on several!)
Move your body
And last but not least... fuck all those losers who ghosted you, used you, lied to you and made you feel like you weren't enough! You don't need them anyway.
Unless you're writing a dating blog....in that case they've come in pretty handy. So in the words of Ariana Grande ...
THANK YOU, NEXT!