I've been wanting to share this one for a while because it truly is a jaw dropper. I struggled with when and how to share because - truth be told - it's recent and it's still a little painful. You'll understand why at the end.
I'll begin by telling the story and will end it with my true sentiment on how this not only made me feel but what it made me realize. For now, be prepared for a long one, one with a different tone and probably the most raw.
This guy was - for once- not someone I met online. The way we met made me believe that it WAS possible to meet someone organically & when you least expect it.
We met on 4th of July of 2017 at the pool. I had some friends over and I had just bought an inflatable swan at Target. Because Target always makes you buy shit you don't need.
It was about 4 or 5 pm and I was floatin' boppin' around in my $16.99 swan (I mean ...bargain!) when all of a sudden a dude pushes my poor swans head (pretty aggressively .. first red flag!) because I unknowingly was slapping him in the face with my floatie. I turned around, he stared at me and all I said was "pshh get over it" and that started a playful and friendly conversation. Long story short we ended up spending the rest of the evening watching the fireworks from my balcony. While on the balcony we started talking about our lives. I learned he looooooooooved Jiu Jitsu and MMA (to the point where said he believed - TRULY BELIEVED- he was going to fight Connor McGregor one day ... umm ok? second red flag), was a single dad to a 5 year old, lived a few buildings down from me (I live in a very large apt complex. There are about 1500 apts here. No joke. Also, this is an important detail) and he was also a widow.
The night ended, he went home and I thought that was the end of it. To my surprise, he texts me the next morning and asks me out on a dinner date that Thursday ( I believe 4th of July was on a Monday or Tuesday). We went out for Sushi and he was the kindest guy. Not only that but he was very impressed by me and my life story and I felt admired. We clicked for sure.
I was just out of a 1.5 year on and off relationship and I was just beginning to get over it. He was a breathe of fresh air. He wasn't good looking at all but there was something about him that drew me to him.
After that dinner date came 4 months of us seeing each other every day. Countless early morning coffee dates before work, me spending time with his daughter alone, us spending 24/7 together (all 3 of us), he met my mom, my closest friends and two months into it we entertained the idea of moving in together. Now, I thank God that never happened.
Fast forward to month 4 (mid-Oct) and he invites me to spend Thanksgiving with his family. At this point the "girlfriend title" was a touchy subject. He always said he wasn't ready for marriage or a serious relationship because of what had happened with his ex and how she died (I'll spare those details out of respect) but he knew he wanted me in his life and didn't want to lose me. When he invited me I jokingly asked "Am I going to be introduced as your gf or do I have to act like your Glorified Nanny/Special Neighbor?" He laughed and said nothing. So I asked again. All he said was: "You know I don't want to be in a serious relationship". At that moment I left his place and walked to mine.
The next morning he calls asking to talk, begging me to understand and to give him time. But I was done.
A few days later I traveled to DC to spend my bday. He was the first one to call that bday morning and said he hoped to see me when I returned and wanted to talk but it had to be after his BIGGEST fight (a Jiu Jitsu tournament at a sports bar.. whoa! big leagues! pfff). I flew back on Nov 7th.
He had his Jiu Jitsu fight on Nov 10th.
Nov 13th he comes to my apt and says he misses me, doesn't want to lose me, wants to continue hanging out with me and my friends but still ... does not want a relationship. (I swear this is what he said!) Again, I was done and we never spoke again.
Nov 23rd. Thanksgiving. I was feeling nostalgic. I missed his little girl and him. I thought about texting to wish them a happy holiday but something told me not to. But my curious little detective self went on Facebook and looked him up (we were not FB friends at this point but his profile is public becuase you know ... Jiu Jitsu fame) and there it was ....
Nov 18th. The day he made FB official he was in a relationship with a Jiu Jitsu female fighter.
Shock. Hurt. Confusion.
Jan 4th (oh yeah... I kept lurking once in a while. We all do it so stop judging. No shame!) he gets engaged.
Mid January. I see his car in my parking lot. Remember when I said this apt complex is huge and how he lived BUILDINGS away from me? So there was no reason for his car to be parked in my parking lot, right? Wrong.
Early Feb. I get in the elevator and right behind me come him and his new wife (yes they got married that quick). She had no clue who I was and his face was red. I looked the other way and hit the button to go to the 3rd floor. They didn't press any buttons and that point I was like "No fucking way!"
Well ... If you thought this couldn't get worse, think again.
THEY GOT OFF ON MY FLOOR AND ARE LIVING 6 DOORS DOWN FROM ME. In my building, on my floor. I have lived here for 2.5 years and in this huge ass apartment complex the ONLY two bedroom apt available was in my building on my floor? C'mon.
I'll let you take that in ...
Needless to say I have run into them several times. Luckily I haven't seen his daughter because that would break my heart.
So there you go ...
I can't make this shit up.
This relationship, although not the worst I've had (unfortunately) was the one that made me really do some introspective work. I had had two back to back awful breakups/heartbreaks and although I know they were complete assfaces, there was something that needed to be said about myself and my choices in men. So although I was heartbroken, I focused on myself. I focused on discovering finding out where I was missing the mark? What was wrong with my "picker"? Why was I being so unlucky in love and what role did I play in this?
I still don't have a perfect answer.
I started going to Therapy 4 times a month, then twice and now I go when I feel like I need a moment to release my thoughts.
I started exercising more and eating healthier. I read books on the power of our mind, thoughts and energy. Started listening to some really great podcasts and did my best to be present and focus on the good.
While I am in a great place there are days like today where it hits me. And the negative self talk starts again. And I feel lonely. And my mind spins and I wonder why has it been so hard to find something meaningful and honest.
I start to think am I too fat? am I not that fun? am I a bad kisser? am I too this or not too much of that?
I don't have precise answers as to why it has been so hard, but I work on on not being so hard on myself. I love every inch of my being more and more every day. But I have my days. I am having one today. And on days like this I allow myself to cry, to call my friends and cry on the phone with them, to be sad and angry because I am human. But what I don't allow is for this to be my every day life. Once I allow myself that moment I go back to focusing on what matters: me.
I look for my outlets and use them. I don't bottle my feelings. I write them.
So here I am.. giving you a real ass fucking moment of vulnerability.
I don't know if I'll ever have my happily ever moment. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom or find the love of my life. What I do know now is that although I have my bad days here and there, I have so many more amazing things in my life that luckily cancel out the bad. This is my journey and only mine to live.
There's always a silver lining to every bad experience though... I came home to my renewal notice. I'm happy to say I just gave in my 60 day notice to move the fuck away from this loser and to start a new chapter. Let the countdown begin.