Mr. Escandalo

Before I share this story, let me begin by saying that at the time this happened, it was not funny. At all. It was uncomfortable and hurtful. But as with everything, time heals all wounds and- as I’ve mentioned before - all I can do is laugh and appreciate I’ve had these experiences. I’ve lived and learned, that’s for sure. If I didn’t, this blog wouldn’t exist and you wouldn’t be laughing along with me. With that said, onto the juicy stuff ... I had been seeing this dude on and off for about a year. But towards the end of 2016 we made it official. We were serious, guys. Like for real. Anyway, it was a beautiful mid-October Sunday morning. It was 65 and sunny, birds were chirping, squirrels were climbing the trees and I was head over heels in love with this guy. On Sundays we used to lay in bed for a couple hours watching videos, deciding where to go for brunch, talking and just being lazy. This particular morning was no different. Let me set the tone super quick. Have you seen those movies where there’s a cute couple, they’re super in love, they make coffee, breakfast and all that shit for each other and you get the warm and fuzzies? Well that’s kind of how we were that beautiful Sunday morning. (Except we were watching South Park clips and looking for greasy and boozy brunch spots. Not making coffee for each other. Different kind of romance but still cute... right?) But in these movies there’s always a plot twist and things usually take a turn for the worst. Picture this: While the couple is sipping on their freshly made cappuccinos, somebody sneaks in. It’s the crazy ex. There she is, making her way into the house through the back door, slowly walking her way through the house towards the kitchen with a knife and crazy eyes. She makes it to the kitchen, sees them on the back porch sippin’ on their warm cups o’ joe and then BAM! She scares the shit out of them and pulls some Zorro style moves and boom! They’re dead. Scary huh!? Well ... that’s not quite what happened since no one died in this story but it’s close. Just kidding ... not close at all. But I got you excited didn’t I!? Anyway, rewind to South Park clips and looking for brunch spots. As we’re watching a clip, I hear a knock at the front door. I asked him “did you hear that?” ... he had not heard anything. We paused the video. Another knock. At that point, he gets up slowly and tells me to stay put - I could see by the look in his eyes he knew exactly what was going on and my heart sank. I knew who it was just by the way he looked at me. That women’s intuition, man. It never fails! As he’s walking to the front door, I hear another knock at the back door and someone tries to open it. For some context: The back door opened into the bedroom. At this point I’m still in bed. I’m just laying there; frozen, bare body just as the lord almighty brought me into this world. Luckily the door was locked. As he’s walking back to the room we hear another knock - again - at the front door. This time with yelling and crying. This lady was running front to back non stop yelling and screaming, knocking on doors and I was paralyzed. And yes, it was his ex. She was nuts. Finally, she decides to stop and makes it to her final destination: the front door. She puts the yelling on hold (she’s still knocking though) and he, scared to death, slowly opens the door to try to get her to calm down. Once he cracks the door open, in she comes and bolts towards the bedroom. I hear running towards me and in a panic, I grab the bedsheet (first thing I could grab- I had just a few seconds to find something to cover myself with), I jump out of bed, and stand there ready to take the beating like a champ. A bare naked champ. You guys, I was freaking the fuck out. Here I am, standing on one side of the room with one hand holding tight onto this thin sheet to cover my lady parts while the other hand was ready for battle (I use the term “battle” very very lightly. I can’t win a physical fight against a mosquito but I was as ready as I could be) I’m shaking, sweating, staring at my clothes with puppy and scared eyes while they sat on a bench on the other side of the room wishing I had some piece of clothing to wear.. yet all I could think of in that moment was “how the hell am I gonna defend myself, let alone win, gracefully with one hand and not lose this sheet!?!?” I had surrendered to the idea that things were gonna get scrappy and I would have no choice but to lose the sheet and battle like an Amazonian warrior. All of a sudden, he calls my name “ANDREA!”. He was trying to warn me she was close (Aww how cute! What a gent! ... not) but at that moment she stops. She turns around, runs the other way and gives up. I guess she was shocked to hear someone else was actually there. Luckily, I never saw her and she never made it into the room. This whole thing lasted about 10 min. She finally left after Mr. Escándalo threatened with cops and as she leaves she throws an envelope at him and yells “enjoy!” as she walks out. I sit back down on the bed, trying to process this whole mid-day Telenovela drama that had just gone down and in he came. He apologizes, tries to calm me down, he sits next to me, opens the envelope, giggles and pulls out two tickets to a Dallas Cowboys game. He looks at me, gives me a little smirk and says “Get ready. We’re going to a football game” I can’t make this shit up.